Navigating the transition from parenting children to being the parents of adult children is not easy. The little people who once needed our help learning to use the restroom are now young adults who expect us to release them freely into a big, bad world full of undiapered waste of all kinds. What’s a parent to do? A friend at work whose son was registering for military school shared with me the advice a Marine sergeant shared with her: “It’s time to stop being his mommy and start being his mother.”
Stop being mommy and start being mother, huh? Yes, our relationship is changing, but no, we are not severing ties completely. We are still parents who love our children deeply and know our children well. Our roles and responsibilities are changing–and it feels drastic–but isn’t independence from parents what we’ve been pointing them towards all along? We celebrated steps of independence during their infancy: moving from the bottle to eating for themselves, taking their first steps, POTTY TRAINING. Why are the steps into the independence of adulthood so much harder to accept and truly celebrate? How are we as parents supposed to move from being mommy and daddy to mother and father?
Fear Not
It has been said that there are 365 “fear nots” in the Bible, one for every day of the year. In actuality there are far more than 365 admonitions in God’s word to not be fearful or anxious, even though the actual words may vary. Instead of being afraid, we are encouraged to “Be strong, do not fear.” (Isaiah 35:4). The Creator of our children loves them even more than we know how to love. God is sovereign and God is good; why should we fear? As we trust God with our adult children (even if we don’t understand how they can possibly survive without usJ) we’ll find our fear begins to diminish. As we seek God and acknowledge our need for wisdom in the new season of parenting life, God will direct our paths and equip us perfectly for our new roles. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Pray More Than Preach
One of the most freeing realizations as a Christian parent–particularly of believing children– is that Jesus Christ is the perfect mediator. Christ not only mediates between God and our children in salvation, but He also serves as a mediator between children and parents through the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer puts it this way in Life Together: “Spiritual love will speak to Christ about the other Christian more than to the other Christian about Christ. . . the most direct way to others is always through prayer to Christ.”
Our days of bearing responsibility for teaching proper behavior to our children are mostly over when they reach adulthood. As mothers and fathers, we should always be willing to share advice and opinions when asked, but our greater responsibility is to speak to the Lord about the life choices of our adult children. Mommy and Daddy no longer have control over their behavior. Praise God, though, we have an advocate for our grown kids to whom we can pray without ceasing. God is a much better parent than we could ever hope to be. No more spankings, time outs, phone restrictions, and endless lectures; the parenting pressure is off! The Holy Spirit will teach and direct in ways far better than we ever could.
Celebrate the Birth of a New Adult
Remember the feeling of amazement when you held your baby for the first time? Do you remember the awe of realizing that a brand new, uniquely-created, one-of-a-kind little human being was joining your family? That same amazement and celebration should accompany the delivery of this brand new young adult into the world! The life experiences that have brought him or her to this point have been guided by the loving hand of a Father more faithful than any earthly parent. . . so celebrate! The mistakes we’ve made as parents during their younger years are not too great for God to redeem and even work together somehow for their good and His glory. Celebrate all that God has done for your children, and anticipate with great excitement all that God will continue to do in and through them. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” 3 John 1:4
Almighty God, Thank you for the privilege of being a parent. I confess to you my fears and insecurities—did I teach my children well? Have I done all that I should have done by this stage of their lives? Forgive me for acting as if I am the main teacher and parent. You are God, the perfect parent; I am not. I trust you to redeem even my mistakes for your glory. Bless my adult children, Lord. Guide and protect them spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Help them to love you with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength; and use them to share your perfect love with this world that needs it so desperately. Through the power of the Holy Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray—Amen.
The Journey 